Christmas playland

Mom: You should see where I am. I’m in a giant room. It’s a Christmas playland full of cotton and all the things I love. So many levels and I don’t know where to sit because everything is so comfortable. So many gifts, too. Do I take one? I don’t want to be greedy. Will people judge me if I take one?

A few minutes later –

Mom: This is all Christmas themed.  It’s beautiful. I could get all my shopping done here. I’ll take one of these and one of those…

After a long pause –

Mom, in a robot voice: Greetings from Level 94. Greetings from Level 118.
Mom, in a normal voice: They make these little signs to inspire the workers and try to give them a feeling of cohesiveness. This is Greetings from Levels 94. 94 all like each other and work well together. Here’s what they make. This is..they look like little Smurfs. Little yellow and black pieces. Actually, they look pretty pathetic. Or adorable. They’re so ugly they’re adorable. That’s what makes them marketable. ‘Adopt a really ugly pet.’ People’s first reaction will be ‘Eeew! Awww.’  ‘Eeew! Aww.’…. ‘Eeew! Wait…Aww.’ They’re black with yellow spots. All their appendages are short.  

secrets revealed

Mom: A secret was revealed to me while I was in the CT scan. You know when you have a diagnosis, sometimes you get something with an ipsky. You know, like something-ipsky. (Mom is implying that diseases usually end with -ipsky, which they do not.) Well, if there is a "w" or a "v", the smaller that is, the smaller the bill, the less the diagnosis, and the less severe it is.

Julie: Wow, that sounds like a really important thing to know.

Mom: I thought so.

stacked like banana bread

Mom: This is confusing. I don’t know what the first row knows. The third row knows how to  make the pasta.

Leah: What are they rows of?

Mom: They’re rows of how you want things. If they don’t figure it out by step 4 they won’t be able to do anything!  …Or the initial people. Like in the first and second cabinets. They really have to have their shit together. Do you know what I’m talking about? You probably don’t but it makes perfect sense.

Leah: Well, maybe we need more information.

Mom: Just look at the blues and greens and they’ll give you a clue.

Leah: Where could we find those?

Mom:  Right next to the olives.

A little while later –

Mom: Do you see the people there? In white and purple in the cabinet. They’re stacked upside down like banana… like banana bread. You can use them so efficiently. First the purple and white, then the navy and white. Very efficient.

damn good johnnycakes

Mom said something to Peanut about having blue johnnycakes (cornbread) –

Mom:  And they’re damn good, too.  But you’re sitting in them.

Peanut: Well, that sounds like a mess.

Mom: Yeah, and what about the baby on the end of the couch? Someone should cover that baby up.

Leah enters the room and Peanut tells her that Mom’s been talking about cornbread.

Mom: It’s damn good.

Leah: You know who makes good cornbread is Joel. He makes it in a cast iron skillet.

Peanut:  That’s the Southern way.

Mom: Yeah. He made the first batch and I made the second. It’s damn good.

columns of pain

Julie: Mom, how are you feeling?
Mom: I have five columns of pain left. ...
Julie: How many have you conquered?
Mom: … Pink, yellow, blue, red, green. The ones that are left are the ones that I don’t have the addresses. They don’t tell you what to do until you get there. But I don’t know how to get there.
Julie: Well, I know you can conquer them. Even if you don’t have the addresses.
Mom: Yeah, I’ve done it before. It’s what you do. You got an ass, you wanna kick it. It’s just what you do. It’s how it is.

wounded coffee

Aunt Lori has just combed Mom’s hair and tied it back. Mom starts to finger-comb the top of her ponytail.

Lori: Karon, what are you doing?

Mom: Straightening my hair to be wounded enough to drink wounded coffee! (said with the clear implication that we should know what she’s doing already)

Aunt Lori leaves so as not to laugh in front of mom and tells Cindy (the nurse) the story, loud enough for Mom to hear.

Mom, calling to them: I can do whatever I want!

Aunt Lori and the nurses keep laughing. Lori explains the notebook.

Mom: They’re right in a row! (holding her hand up) Regular and wounded! I’m wounded, so I drink wounded coffee! (said in a ‘duh’ voice)

Billy Fuccillo rice and vegetables

For people beyond the reach of Fuccillo: Billy Fuccillo is the owner of a number of car dealerships and is known for his annoying commercials in which he abuses the word "huge" and for his apparent sense that he can do and say whatever he feels like with no consequences. The Facebook page "Billy Fucillo is the most annoying human being on Earth" has over 13,000 fans, or whatever Facebook calls them these days. 

 

Mom is eating rice with vegetables. We have picked out the peppers, which she doesn't like.

Mom: I’m not convinced it’s pepper free. I think there’s Billy Fuccillo on it. He puts on whatever he wants and I think there’s red on it.

Mom, lifting a bite: Is there corn in there?

Leah and Julie: Yes.

Mom: Is there pepper?

Leah and Julie: No.

Mom: Is there Billy?

Leah and Julie: No.

A bit later –

Leah: Do you want any ketchup? They gave us 5 packets.

Mom: Give them to Billy. No. Give them to Shannon and she can give them to Billy.